A Conversation with Kim Jong Il. (A True Story)

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Most benevolent lordship, I have news to present to thee.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Speak, citizen of mine.”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “The United Nations has come to a decision concerning our missile launch.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Send my female slaves back to their cages—the sensual massage will have to wait—this will require my direct attention.”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Yes, most benevolent lordship, master of the supreme people.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Have you alerted our military defenses?– prepared our surface to air sites for imminent attack?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “No, my master.”

Kim Jong Il:  “You leave our supreme nation vulnerable to swift and decisive attacks that could likely retard our nuclear capabilities and ballistic advancements a decade or more!”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “It seems, most deific leader, that our missile programs and nuclear advancements will continue on as planned.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Has China then offered to repel the United States military efforts as we’ve hoped?—I never really believed they would—this is great news!”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “No, my fearless commander of the universe, China’s military isn’t involved (yet).  However, China did do us a great diplomatic service and gave the more cunning support we were hoping for, perhaps more wisely in that they hoped to deter the United States without having to fire a single bullet.”

Kim Jong Il:  “But if China doesn’t help us militarily there’s no way we can successfully fight off strategic military strikes against us—our military and nuclear advancement will be greatly diminished!  Quickly inform our military command to do all that we can to thwart those U.S. and Japanese fighters!”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “I don’t think that’s necessary, most illustrious and capable commander.”

Kim Jong Il:  “But you said the United Nations came to an agreement.  You said that the U.N. has made a decision about our missile launch, which we both know clearly violated their ridiculous resolutions.  Surely they intend their resolutions to be more than mere pieces of paper. Surely, they know that words are just words until they’re backed up with military force.  Even I know this truth!  How else could I and my father have held an iron fist control over this country for so many years?  Please, speak!  We’ve known since the day of our most impressive missile launch that the West and those repulsive democratic nations denounced our actions—they’ve told us clearly now time and time again that they condemn our repeated advancements of ballistic and nuclear technologies.  Surely, now they are taking action—surely they aren’t as weak willed and inept as our hopes surmised?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “The United Nations did take action, my ineffable president.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Speak more quickly, peasant under my shoe, what action did the United Nations take?  What was the decision Obama’s been sitting on his thumbs waiting for?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “The United Nations Security Council agreed today on a statement, sire, that condemns our missile launch.”

Kim Jong Il:  “And…?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “They’re writing up a new resolution.”

Kim Jong Il:  “A new resolution?  Like the one we violated just seven days ago?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Yes.  Almost identical to that very one.”

Kim Jong Il:  (silence)

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  (more silence)

Kim Jong Il:  *trying to control his boyish smile from turning into laughter*  “And that’s it?” 

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “That’s it.”

Kim Jong Il:  “A week of talks and negotiations, Hillary Clinton working the phones, Susan Rice doing Obama’s bidding, and Obama’s charismatic world shifting presence, and all they come up with is a piece of paper to denounce and condemn our actions?”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Yes.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Yes.”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Yes.”

Kim Jong Il:  “Ha!  Bring in my female slaves after all!”

Aide to Kim Jong Il:  “Consider it done, my master.”

Kim Jong Il:  *almost to himself*  “if I live long enough, these next four years should be very promising for North Korea… very promising indeed.  If they don’t have the will to take action against us now, just wait till we have nuclear capabilities!  Then they’ll really be in a bind.  Ha!”



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About Jeremy

Glad to have a second chance on life, by God's grace.

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